Less of a Mother
by newportbeachbabe
Summary: Sandy was not having a good day. Or a good week for that matter. And now, he found out that the ordeal with Trey was finally over. Part seven up! Please review.
1. A Mother's Confrontation

**Summary: Dawn finds out about Trey's death.**

**Background Info: Obviously, the entire second season happened. This is not based on spoilers so don't worry.**

**A/N: I don't know what made me think of this, but I did and here it is. Just to let you know, in the next chapter, Ryan confronts someone. But it might not come for a while because I am currently in a very long day camp and then I leave to go on vaca on the 13th. So...yeah. BTW--that is the reason why I haven't updated Afterwards. That and I am having difficulty with the last chapter. Um, anyway, about THIS story: it was only going to be like a two part story, but I just got an idea for a third and possibly fourth part, so I'm making no guarantees about how long this story will be, other than that it will be at least three parts long.**

**I would like any and ALL reviews for this story! Please please please!**

**P.S.-- Thanks to those few who reviewed Yesterday, Seven Years Ago. It didn't get as many reviews as I felt it deserved (LOL, that sounds conceited), but then again, stories never do. You should go read and review too. Enjoy the story.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.**

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Dawn was a mother.

Albeit, a crappy one, but a mother nonetheless.

What did being a mother mean, though? That she kept a close eye on her children?

Failed that one.

That she had motherly instinct and always put her children first?

Nope.

To Dawn, being a mother meant…well nothing most of the time.

Most of the time, she didn't consider herself to be a mother. What children did she have left to take care of?

One son was in jail, the other was living with an adoptive family.

Not because she had him taken away, but because she had asked them to take him in.

In some way, that was putting her children first. Although, it probably seemed to Ryan like it had just been her giving up on him.

Yesterday she had found out that she was now even less of a mother.

One child was dead.

Dead.

She knew the day would come when a child died, but she always thought that she herself would be dead before that.

Turns out she was wrong.

Dawn had found out from Theresa's mother.

Theresa's mother had found from Theresa, who had found out from Ryan.

Trey had died at the hand of his own brother.

Technically, she supposed it was at the hand of his own brother's girlfriend.

One shot, carefully aimed, and he was gone.

What was she supposed to do now?

Sure, she had driven away all of her boys, but she had always expected them to be there when she was ready to take them back.

She had been wrong.

Dawn was filled with an anger. An anger that she had never felt before.

At least not towards Ryan.

Ryan had always been her good boy, her honest boy, the only one who would go somewhere.

And then when hehad gotten arrested, her whole world had come crashing down.

Slowly, she had rebuilt it, although there were major cracks and holes in the bricks. She could have a better life, she could sleep peacefully knowing that at least one member of her family was doing well.

Then her world had come crashing down again.

Dawn was angry because Ryan hadn't had the nerve to tell her himself.

Dawn was angry because Ryan had provoked the fight.

Dawn was angry because she didn't know how to be sad.

_Sad_ was not a word that was used lightly in Chino. Everyone was always _sad_, so why bother talking about it?

People in Chino didn't get _sad_ over little things, such as a death.

In Chino, kids were always dying—at gunpoint, at knifepoint, at drug point. You can't be sad about something so mundane.

But see, Trey wasn't in Chino anymore. Trey had gotten out of jail and had, she had heard, made a good life for himself.

Well, except for the fact that he had been arrested for drug possession, helped bust another drug dealer, and then gotten himself killed.

Kids dying was very out of the ordinary in Newport. Kids don t die in rich places, or so she had always imagined.

They had money, they had medicine, they had police. All that and they still couldn't prevent an innocent death?

Dawn didn't even know what the fight had been about.

Theresa's mother had started to tell her, but Dawn had just hung up the phone. The only thing that had mattered was that Trey was dead.

It hadn't mattered why he died at the time.

But now, now it did. Dawn wanted answers.

She could have just called Theresa's mother again and asked her.

Instead, she had driven for an hour and was now sitting in the driveway of a magnificent house.

The house that housed a killer. A killer that went by the name of Ryan Atwood.

With shaking hands, she closed the door of her car and reached in through the window to lock it.

God, she needed a drink. But no, it had been a month since her last drink.

Who would have ever thought her biggest advocate for sobriety would be the one driving her to drink?

In awe, she looked at the mansion in front of her. She rapped on the door, positive that no one would be able to hear her.

To her dismay, moments later the door was opened.

"Dawn?"

"Mr. Cohen…"

"Please, call me Sandy."

"Can I come in?" Dawn tentatively asked.

"Of course," a perplexed Sandy said, opening the door wider to let the bedraggled woman in.

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Ryan pedaled up the steep driveway and almost got flung off the bike.

There was a beat up, old white car sitting in the driveway.

"Sandy?" Ryan called, stepping into the house.

"In here, Ryan."

Positive that nothing good could come of this, he walked into the kitchen and stopped short upon seeing the blonde sitting at the end of the island. There was a glass in her hand, and automatically his eyes scrutinized the amber liquid inside.

"It's ginger ale, Ry."

"Mom," Ryan stated simply.

"I'm just going to leave you two alone." Sandy excused himself from the kitchen, grabbing Seth as he did so.

"What…What are you doing here?" Had his mother somehow found out about Trey?

Shaking her head, Dawn answered, "You didn't even have the nerve to tell me."

"Who told you?" Ryan asked, stone faced.

"Doesn't matter," replied his mother scornfully. "All that matters is that it wasn't you."

"I…I was going to tell you." That was exactly what Marissa had said to him at the carnival.

"When, after the funeral? Is there even going to be a funeral?"

Of course there was going to be a funeral. Right after the feds were done with his body…

"Mom, you have to let me explain."

"You got him killed. You single-handedly got him killed." She shook her head in disbelief again. "He came here to be better, to make something of himself. Couldn't you at least help him?"

Ryan's head shot up at this. There was a fire in his eyes.

"You don't know what you're talking about. I _did_ help him! I gave him everything he needed. Marissa helped him get an apartment and get a job. We saved him from going back to jail. We gave him a helping hand! And what does he do to thank us? He steals from a charity auction and rapes my girlfriend."

"What did you say?" Theft and rape had not been including in the phone call. Or maybe it had been, but Dawn just hadn't been listening.

"Didn't you even stop to wonder _why_ Trey and I were fighting, Mom?" It was clear to Ryan that Dawn had no idea about the theft (although that was long in the past) and the attempted rape.

"That's why I'm here, Ry. To get some answers."

Ryan walked over to the island and placed his elbows on it. He rubbed his eyes, already tired and knowing that it would just get harder.

"What did Trey steal, huh? Why don't we just focus on the simple stuff." Theft was a regular thing in Chino. Rape…also common but a much bigger offense. One she never saw Trey committing.

"It doesn't matter. That had nothing to do with the fight."

"I want to know, Ryan." Dawn knew this was hard for her son, but she had to know everything.

"Trey stole something from a charity auction, but we got it back. Marissa lent him the money to move into an apartment, the apartment of one of our friends. I didn't want anything to do with him after that, but she just wouldn't let it drop. So we threw him a birthday party that ended with Jess floating in a pool and Trey being arrested."

A floating girl? Goodness, things did get crazy at Newport parties. And she had thought that her being drunk and upsetting a few chairs had been bad.

"I couldn't let him go to jail for something he didn't do. Marissa and I found a way to get him off the hook. Then I went away for the weekend and she helped him find a job. He wanted to celebrate and they got drunk."

Ah, yes, that sounded like the Trey she knew.

"Trey…he had hooked up with this Jesse girl before. She got him into drugs…coke. He took some and then…he attacked Marissa."

"What do you mean…attack?" Dawn asked slowly.

"What do you think I mean, Mom? He tried to rape her. He pushed her down, started kissing her…I don't even want to think about it. She fought him off. And she didn't tell me about it."

"Couldn't you tell something was up though?"

Insert famous Ryan Atwood glare.

"Marissa said nothing happened, and Trey said that she had come on to him. And then I ran into…"

"Tell me you didn't believe him." Ryan had always been smart, but the one thing he lacked was the intelligence to see that his brother had always jerked him around.

"At first I did. But then I let it go. Until Marissa told Summer, and Summer told Seth, and Seth told me."

"And you flipped out." Like father, like brother, like son.

"Am I that predictable? Obviously I am, because Seth told Marissa that I knew and she automatically drove over to Trey's house. Where I was beating the crap out of him."

"So wait, if you had the upper hand…" Dawn was confused.

"You know how Trey is, Mom," said Ryan, reminiscing slightly. "Almost always, he can get the upper hand in any situation. When Marissa ran in, Trey was on top of me, choking me. I couldn't breathe…" He shuddered just thinking about it. "She tried to get him off of me, but couldn't. He was going to kill me…So she shot him."

Wow. Dawn had had no idea that things got so complicated around here.

"Mom, I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I…I don't know what I was thinking when I went over there, but it was stupid."

"Damn right it was, Ryan. What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was pissed off, Mom! Didn't you hear me when I said that he tried to rape Marissa?"

"What the hell did you think _you_ could do about it? Marissa could have pressed charges, Sandy could have helped you…but no. You had to do it yourself. Once from Chino, always from Chino."

Ryan looked down ashamedly. The thing was, that was the exact same thought that had been going through his head.

"When's the funeral?" Dawn asked, changing the subject. She reached into her purse and took out a pack of cigarettes. Opening it, she offered one to Ryan who shook his head and mumbled something about no smoking in the house.

"I…I don't know. The cops have his body…it may be a while."

"The cops? The goddamn cops have my son's body? Why the hell do they have my son's body?"

Ryan snorted. "Mom, Trey was shot. It was murder. Marissa is a murderer. She's being tried right now."

"You know what you have to do, right?" his mother asked, looking moodily into her glass, wishing it was alcoholic.

"What?" he asked sharply, knowing it could be nothing good.

"You know who you have to tell, don't you?"

Ryan had totally forgotten about the other missing member of his family.

"Dad."


	2. A Father's Confrontation

**Summary: Ryan tells his father about Trey.**

**Background Info: The entire second season has happened. I made up the parts about Ryan's father (except for the armed robbery). I have no idea how long someone would get for an armed robbery, so bear with me please. This is not based on spoilers.**

**A/N: I just got back today (the 25th) and I spent like, half of the plane ride on this. As soon as I got home, I typed it up, so here it is. I would like to say that I used my imagination in creating the character of Paul (Ryan's father). For some reason, I have always imagined Paul as having robbed a toy store (I mentioned it in one of my other stories). Part of me wants to believe that life was better for Ryan before his dad got arrested, but the other part of me is pretty sure he was a dead-beat dad who beat his kids. Decide whatever you want, the way I chose to write him suits the story better. Not sure if you remember, but they lived in Fresno first, so that is why Paul is in jail in Fresno, not Chino. Okay, so I have already started on the next part, but no guarantees on when it will be up. Please please please please review! Reviews keep me going, so if you want more of this story, hit the button and leave a message. Any and ALL reviews welcome.**

**Shout outs-- _J:_ Sorry this wasn't as soon. I just wanted to say that you review like crazy, and that is AWESOME. Thanks for reviewing like almost every story of mine. You rock!btw--where did you reada transcript of the first episode? _forgottenletters:_ Again, not very soon. Next update should be much quicker. _cjnew91:_** **Glad you liked it. Hope you like this part as well. _Pyrinsomniac:_** **Why thank you. And I tried to make Dawn seem as motherly as possible, but that might change in the next chapter. It's what happens when you add some alcohol to an already unstable mother... _ms8309:_** **Here you go-- part two with their father.**

**Enjoy.**

**P.S.--Thank you to those of you who reviewed Moments Disappearing. However, I don't think I will be continuing it. I have seen more previews and I just don't know how to pick up the next chapter. Besides, I already started working on another story and that is just too many stories to be working on at one time. So thanks again and I'm sorry if you were enjoying it.**

**P.P.S.--Thank you to those of you who reviewed Dealing with the Attack...but I am putting it on a hiatus. I don't know if people usually do this with stories, but I am. I honestly have no idea where to go with it, and I don't want to get those few reader's hopes up that an update will come soon. I haven't even written a sentence for it yet. Make no mistake, I am not ending it, not yet anyway. I am just putting it on hold. I apologize for any...inconvience.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.

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Jail is a scary place.

Jail is a scary place to most people.

Jail was even scarier for Ryan than for most people.

His father was in jail for armed robbery. Ryan didn't remember much about what it was his father had done. Yet, he knew all the facts.

Paul had been high and drunk Christmas Eve. He had robbed a toy store, held the sales clerk at gun point and told her to pick out things that little boys would like. The customers lied on the cold floor, listening to his father go on and on about how this Christmas would be different for his family.

He was right. That Christmas had been different for their family. Instead of waking up to no presents, they had woken up to a loud knocking on the door and the sobs of their mother.

In addition to no presents.

Ryan had only visited his father once before they moved to Fresno. It had been eight years since he had seen his father last.

There had been a lot of scenarios played in his head about when he would see his father again.

Never had this one been played.

Sandy had offered to go with him, but Ryan had declined.

This was something he had to do by himself.

Dawn hadn't even offered to go with him.

"Just because you screwed up doesn't mean I should have to visit the bastard."

Ten minutes later, Ryan had left, not knowing and not caring where his mom went.

It was a long drive to Fresno. Ryan supposed he could have taken the bus, but he had needed the quiet of the Range Rover to think.

Two hours later, Ryan was pulling up in front of the jail and hadn't figured out what to say.

With a badge in hand, he entered the visiting area and sat down at an empty table.

A loud clang was heard and a brown haired man was escorted in,

"Paul! What are you doing out here, man?" a large Hispanic man called. "You never get visitors." Paul simply nodded his head in acknowledgement and sat down where the guard pointed to.

"Am I supposed to know you?" His gruff voice echoed in Ryan's head as he stared into the empty brown eyes of Paul.

Of course he wouldn't remember who Ryan was.

"No, no, I'm sorry," Ryan stammered, getting up quickly and tripping over his feet. "It was a mistake to come here."

"Sit down, Ryan." At the sound of his voice, Ryan stopped dead. How many times had he imagined his dad saying that?

Too many to count.

"My God, look at you," Paul said softly, eyeing his son as he took a seat again.

Ryan had forgotten to change before coming.

The usual wife beater was layered with the usual (but still expensive) button down shirt, not-so-cheap jeans, and the watch that before could have fed his family for a week.

Not because it was all that expensive but because his mother had often been too drunk to go to the grocery store.

"Damn. Your mother must have married rich, huh? Didn't know they made them rich in Chino."

"They don't."

Paul glanced over at Ryan, causing Ryan to nearly faint.

It was the exact same famous Ryan Atwood look he had.

"I don't live in Chino anymore."

"_You_ don't live in Chino? What, you up and left your mother?" Paul couldn't say he would blame his son if he had.

"She left me." Take the boy of Newport and he reverts back to one or two word answers.

Another Ryan/Paul Atwood glare and Ryan almost fell over.

It was like looking in a mirror.

Ryan proceeded to explain about stealing a car, getting arrested, blah, blah, blah.

It was all routine, really.

"So if you got your 'happy every-after', why the hell are you here?" Paul asked when Ryan was done. "Don't tell me you stopped by just to gloat."

"No, of course not," Ryan answered hastily.

He wished that was why he was here.

"I…I came because of Trey."

Paul gave another sideways glance, but this time Ryan had expected it and was only mildly surprised.

"I thought you said he was in jail."

Once again, Ryan proceeded to tell the second half of the story, the part he had told his mother earlier that day.

As Ryan talked, he watched as the man in front of him morphed into the father he remembered.

"So you killed him," Paul stated simply when Ryan was all done.

Ryan hung his head.

"It wasn't me who actually pulled the trigger, Dad," he said lamely.

"Oh, right, sorry. So you got him killed."

"Um…yeah."

"God dammit, Ryan. You don't visit for eight years, and the only reason you do visit is to tell me you went and murdered your brother? God dammit."

Paul was breathing hard and there was a fire in his eyes.

Ryan recognized that, had this exchange happened in private, punches would have accented his father's words.

"This girl, your murderer girlfriend, you still with her?"

Ryan glanced over at Paul, scaring him shitless.

His son had his stare.

"What the hell, Ryan?" Paul asked, shaking his head. "Is the sex really that good?"

"Dad, it has nothing to do with that! It's not like that at all, okay?" Ryan did not want to have to go through this with his father.

The sex talk was just a few years too late.

"That good, huh? You can always tell…"

"Dad, listen to me. I've never," Ryan dropped his voice, "slept with her."

Paul gaped at Ryan.

"You've had this girlfriend for two years and you've never once slept with her?

"No."

"But, I mean, you have…right?"

This question triggered his memory back to when he and Marissa had first started dating. Seth had asked the exact same question.

Just like he had then, Ryan glanced quickly at his dad.

"So then why the hell are you still with her? Don't tell me it's because you 'love her'."

Ryan shrugged, not sure of how Paul would react.

"Love, Ryan? Damn, what did they do you in Newport?" Paul sniggered.

Ryan sighed, knowing it wasn't worth it to explain everything. He knew Paul would never understand.

"What does your mother think of this?"

"Of what? Me and Marissa?"

Paul nodded and Ryan gulped.

"She doesn't know."

"You have to tell her, Ry."

"It's none of her business."

"She'll make it her business," Paul scoffed.

Ryan just glared and he switched subjects.

"When's the funeral?"

"Dunno. They still have his body, so it could be a while," Ryan answered. There was a pause, and then he dared to ask what was on his mind. "Why do you care?"

"He was my son, Ryan," Paul replied through gritted teeth.

"Oh, right, because that meant so much nine years ago."

"I was trying to give you guys a good Christmas."

"A good Christmas?" Ryan asked incredulously. "Dad, people who give their kids a 'good Christmas' don't do it by robbing a toy store. You know what my perfect Christmas always was? What I envisioned that night before falling asleep? A mom who wasn't drunk, a dad who wasn't high, an actual Christmas tree, and a hot meal."

He shook his head sadly.

"I knew I wouldn't get any of these things before I went to sleep, but with some little kid naivety, I still dreamt about it. I guess I sort of got what I wished for. Mom wasn't drunk, just hysterical; you weren't on a _new_ high; the police station had a Christmas tree; and we got a lukewarm meal from the cafeteria."

"I said I was sorry."

"Me too, Dad. I'm sorry for killing the son you hit more often and for only visiting you a couple of times." Ryan clenched his hands and made a move to get up. "I have to go. It's going to be dark soon."

"Ryan, I really am sorry. I screwed up and you had to pay for it. Guess that's just the Atwood luck."

"Yeah, I guess," Ryan said noncommittally.

He knew full well that the Atwood luck was just some excuse for their bad decisions.

Ryan was almost to the door when Paul spoke up again.

"Tell your mother…tell her I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything."


	3. A Drunk Confrontation

**Summary: Dawn confronts Marissa.**

**Background Info: The entire second season has happened. Most of this takes place while Ryan is visiting his father. For the record, this will be probably be the last background info I put for this story.**

**A/N: Back with another update! This was quick (for me at least) because I had some of this written before I even published the last chapter. Don't expect such a quick update for the next chapter. Sorry! Alright, so a quick disclaimer. For those of you who envision Dawn as being a really good mother, you may not like the way this chapter goes. I tried my hardest not to turn her into a complete jerk, but we have all seen what happens when she is drunk... Hopefully, by the end of the chapter, the mother in her shows through the alcohol. I am going to ask something of you guys, and I know it sounds weird right now, but it won't once you finish reading. What kind of music do you think Dawn listens to and sung to her children? I mean, I know my dad sung me the Beatles since before I was born. I just don't know what Dawn wold have listened to. So, if you have any ideas at all, PLEASE leave it in a review. Even if that's all the review says, even if the review says nothing about the story or the chapter. I would like any and ALL reviews...please? A huge thanks to previous reviews.**

**Shout outs! ****_kursk_**: **From the many reviews you have left me, it seems that you are a humongous R/M fan. That's awesome, because it always seems (to me anyway) that there are way more SS fans (like how RM didn't win for best chemistry? grr). Anyway, here you go with Marissa. And thanks for the part about Yesterday...I am thinking about continuing it. It just might take a while. _TeacherTam: _Not really sure what to put since that was for the first chapter, except thanks for reviewing. _Pyrinsomniac:_** **Thank you, and I am glad it wasn't overwhelming. That is never good. _Dogsbody:_** **Dawn is a huge coward, even more so in this chapter. And I don't think a guy like Paul can ever be sorry enough. Thanks for reviewing._J:_** **It is always a good thing when readers aren't disappointed. lol. Paul _doesn't_ deserve forgiveness, and I don't like him either. I have heard of fanbolt, and I actually just joined before I left. Hmm...I wonder if I can still get it from them. If not, Sept. 8 isn't _all_ that far away...**

**Thanks again, and enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.

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Dawn didn't feel good with it, but she felt worse without it.

That was why she had gone to a bar.

With a polite goodbye to Sandy and Seth, she had left a few minutes after Ryan.

All of this was too much to absorb without alcohol. She was just going to have one drink.

Well, wouldn't you know, that damn bartender just kept the drinks coming.

Being drunk agreed with Dawn, or so she believed.

When she was drunk, the things she really wanted to say but held back came out. The things that had been just out of her reach became attainable. The world wasn't quite as harsh or quite so quiet.

Had she been sober, Dawn never would have asked the bartender if she had heard of the Coopers.

As it turned out, June was a regular customer.

Or was it Julie? Maybe it was Jessica…Marissa's mom…Mrs. Cooper. Wait, no, Mrs. Cooper-_Nichol_.

The bartender had written the directions on a napkin and warned Dawn not to drive.

Sober Dawn would have taken her advice, but drunk Dawn got in the car and drove.

She got there unscathed and was amazed by the house's magnitude.

Even in her drunken state, Dawn could tell the house really was huge, not just magnified because of the alcohol.

With wobbly legs, she walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.

A beautiful, tall girl answered by opening the door.

How did people hear the bells if they were upstairs?

"Marissa," Dawn croaked, her throat parched.

"Mrs. Atwood. What…What are you doing here?"

Marissa was shocked at the sight in front of her. The Dawn in front of her looked exactly like the Dawn that had been helped out of casino; that is, very drunk.

She could have sworn Ryan had said Dawn was doing better.

"We need to have a talk. Me as a mother, and you as a murderer."

Marissa opened the door wider and helped her inside with a grim look on her face.

"Do you have anything to drink?" Dawn asked.

"What would you like?" Marissa replied nervously, hoping it wasn't alcohol.

"I could really go for a Seven-Seven…" Dawn began, but stopped at the look on Marissa's face. "Just a water, please."

Under the pretext of getting the water, Marissa went into the kitchen and whipped out her cell phone.

"_This is Ryan, sorry I missed you. Leave a message."_

Damn. Of course he wouldn't pick up.

"Ryan, it's Marissa. Your mom just appeared at my house very drunk and wanting to talk. I think you should get over here as soon as possible. Please…I don't know what to say to her…Just get here."

Marissa walked back into the living room and Dawn glared at her.

"Took you long enough."

Marissa flashed an apologetic smile and sat down.

An awkward silence descended upon them as Dawn slurped the water down greedily. When she finally set the glass down, Marissa spoke.

"I'm really sorry, Mrs. Atwood."

"You damn should be."

Another silence fell upon the two women, but once again, Marissa broke it.

"You know, he _did_ try to rape me."

"I was raped once," Dawn responded. "I was younger than you and some guy attacked me at a party."

"That's terrible," Marissa said sincerely, not exactly sure why Dawn was telling her this.

"My dad didn't believe me and my mom couldn't afford to press charges," she continued. "Lawyers are so expensive. I wanted to kill that guy; I had dreams about stabbing him or shooting him. But I never did."

Dawn suddenly looked up and met Marissa's eyes.

"You could have pressed charges. Sandy would have helped you, you wouldn't have had to pay anything," she said, before snorting. "Not that cost would have been an issue."

Marissa was unsure about how to reply.

"Instead, you had to kill him. Hell, you weren't even raped. A few scratches, a few bruises, a broken pride. That is nothing compared to what I was left with when that guy got through with me."

She could not believe what she was hearing.

"Mrs. Atwood, what are you trying to say?"

"Make no mistake," Dawn slurred. "I'm not saying that my son was a saint. Far from it. It's just…why the hell did you have to kill him? He was on probation, you know. That was breaking his probation, attacking anyone. That, combined with attempted rape-- he would go straight back to jail. Instead, you sent him straight to a coffin."

"I didn't shoot him because of what he did to me," Marissa replied slowly. Dawn had obviously missed the part about Trey trying to _kill_ Ryan.

"Oh, I know. I know why you _supposedly_ shot him. Because he was going to kill Ryan. But I mean, come on," Dawn said, emphasizing her words by leaning closer towards Marissa. "Do you _actually_ think Trey would have killed his own brother?"

"With all do respect, Mrs. Atwood, you weren't there. You didn't see the look on Trey's face, you didn't see his hands around Ryan's neck. The bruises he left are still there and it's been three weeks."

"What is it with you guys and bruises, huh? What's a couple of bruises? In Chino, bruises are like…like a piece of jewelry. They accent whatever it is you're wearing and make heads turn. Except bruises," Dawn paused to ward off the nausea sweeping over her by pointing her finger at the girl in front of her, "bruises don't cost anything."

Marissa was astonished. How could someone possibly say that? She hoped that it was just the alcohol talking, but sadly, she knew it wasn't.

"I'm not quite following you then."

"You wanna know what I think?" garbled the grieving mother. "I think you shot him because you had the opportunity to. Or maybe, maybe you decided to kill two birds with one stone." All of a sudden, Dawn broke into a fit of giggles. "Kill two birds? Ha ha! _Kill!_ Oh, that's a good one."

Marissa watched in horror as Ryan's mother laughed hysterically to herself. No way could she actually think that. Why would Marissa _want_ to kill Trey? Sure, she had been pissed off at him, but not enough to kill him.

"So what do you think?" Dawn said out of the blue, a serious look on her face. "Am I right, or am I right? Because, you know, a mother knows best."

"Mrs. Atwood--"

"I'm not exactly a mother, though. I mean, who have I got left to mother? Trey's gone. Paul's got a few more years left in jail. Ryan…I've given up on Ryan. I don't how I can look at him without seeing Trey. Did you know that they used to look exactly like each other when they were little? God, that little boy looked up to Trey."

Marissa was not comfortable with where this was going, but was relieved that the focus had turned away from her intentionally killing Trey.

"Too much, I've always thought. Trey used to get Ryan in a lot of trouble. He was a troublemaker, that one. I remember one time, after Ryan had gotten suspended for fighting, Paul got so mad at the two of them. Trey hadn't even been involved, but he got double the beating. You know why? Because Paul blamed Trey for egging Ryan on. Trey always thought Ryan was too weak, even at the tender elementary age."

Dawn closed her eyes and watched the scene unfold behind her eyes.

"Ryan was right, you know. Trey almost always got the upper hand. Paul taught Trey how to fight, and then he got arrested, so Trey taught Ryan how to fight. I have always suspected that Trey didn't teach Ryan everything he knew, just so that he could always win."

Dawn stopped to suck down the last few drops of the water and held the glass out to Marissa. Dutifully, Marissa took the glass and walked into the kitchen, wondering where the hell Ryan was.

She hoped that Dawn would stop talking long enough for her to try Ryan's cell, but no such luck. The sound of her voice carried through into the kitchen, just as she got the sound of his voicemail.

"Most people always said that Ryan was the smarter one, but Trey wasn't too dumb either. He just never put his smarts to good use, like Ryan did. Trey had his father's dumb decision making skills. Ryan…Ryan was always different. I don't know where he got it from, but he always seemed leagues ahead of us all."

"_This is Ryan, sorry I missed you. Leave a message."_

"Ryan, it's me again," Marissa whispered into her phone, praying Dawn didn't hear her. "Your mom is really losing it…she's talking about when you guys were little and…I don't know what to do. Please hurry."

"Did you say something?" Dawn called out loudly.

"No, nothing at all," Marissa replied, walking back into the room.

"Every so often I wonder what life would have been like, had Paul not gotten arrested. Maybe we would have had another kid, a girl maybe. Paul had just been about to get a raise, and, with his Christmas bonus, we had been hoping to move to a little nicer of a neighborhood."

Christmas bonus? Then that meant…Marissa did the math.

"Did Ry ever tell you about his dad?"

Marissa shook her head.

"He pulled a gun on the clerk and told her to pick toys little boys would like."

"Oh my God," Marissa said under her breath. No wonder Ryan didn't like the holidays.

_**There's drinking, crying, cops…well then, it must be Christmas.**_

She immediately made a promise to never drink on Christmas and to make sure Ryan had the best Christmas possible. No matter what.

"All Ryan wanted for Christmas that year was a plastic set of tools and a hard hat." Dawn smiled to herself. "He wanted to be an architect."

"_**I used to want to be an architect." "What do you want to be now?" "Seventeen."**_

"He still does," Marissa said softly.

"I don't know what Trey wanted to be. Trey didn't think much about the future. He was thirteen and he still had absolutely no idea what he liked. Besides cars and girl, that is. Guess it doesn't matter now, though, right? Not like he's ever gonna get to fulfill whatever dream it was he had."

Tears were falling down Dawn's cheeks by now. It pained Marissa to watch, yet she couldn't' turn away.

"Oh, God," Dawn sobbed softly, rocking back and forth. "My baby…I've lost my baby. I drove him away…" A low moan of anguish rose from her. "The last thing I said to him was that he didn't deserve to live a good life. That he was no better than his father. I was so angry at him for dragging Ryan down with him. That was what I said to him. _You've really done it this time, Trey. Not only have you screwed yourself over, but you got Ryan involved. You're just like your father…No, you're worse than your father._ He probably thought I loved Ryan more than him…" She put her head in her hands and wept.

From her position on the opposite couch, Marissa was confused on what she should do. Should she go over and comfort Dawn or let her cry by herself?

Because of Dawn's bawling, she didn't hear the knock on the door.

"Marissa?" Ryan called as he stepped into the foyer.

Ryan surveyed the scene in front of him. His girlfriend was sitting on one couch, obviously uncomfortable. His gaze slid to the opposite couch, where his mother sat, weeping.

"Mom?" he said, as he walked into the living room.

Both Marissa and Dawn looked up at the sound of another person's voice.

"It's all your fault!" Dawn accused, pointing a dangerous finger in Ryan's direction. "You were supposed to be the smart one! Trey looked up to you and you were younger than him! Why couldn't you just listen to your brain when it counted? The one time it really mattered, you had to go with your instinct?"

"Mom," Ryan said again, holding his hands up in front of him.

"Don't you come near me!" she said, her voice ragged from talking, stains on her cheeks from crying.

"Don't you ever come near me again! _You_ started it. _You_ threw the first punch. It's all your fault!" she screamed again.

Marissa sat stone still, watching the exchange take place.

"You have no idea what it's like to lose someone. No idea!"

"That's not true," Ryan said indignantly.

"Oh yeah? Who have you lost?"

"I lost you! You just left. You left me with a bunch of strangers!"

"And look where you are now…"

"Not a day goes by when I don't worry about you, Mom. Every day I wonder if you have food, provisions, or even a place to live. You could have died in the past two years, and I never would have known."

"That's different. Losing someone is when they die. I haven't been lost, just…misplaced. You don't know anyone who has died, except Trey, and that doesn't count. A parent's grief is always stronger."

"I know what it's like, Mom."

"How?"

"I lost my son," Ryan said softly, fully aware that Marissa was in the room.

"Your son?"

His son? Marissa had no idea he had known the sex of the child.

"What, you knocked this one up over here?" Dawn said, gesturing towards Marissa, who stiffened.

"Theresa was pregnant and he might have been mine. But she lost him. _We_ lost him."

Dawn was shocked. Ryan had almost been a father? This flustered her, but she was too angry to let it show.

"Well…that is different. You never got to know him. I knew my son for 21 years. That's a lot longer than…what, five months?"

"I'm not going to compete with you. That's just sick."

"Oh, God. What have we been reduced to?" Dawn sobbed, fresh tears falling.

"I am so sorry, Mom. I never meant for any of this to happen."

Dawn just hiccupped.

Ryan walked closer and, thankfully, Dawn didn't try to stop him.

"Don't leave me again, Mom. I need you right now, more so than I have in years."

She snorted.

"What the hell do you need me for? You've got your new family and your new girlfriend."

"The Cohens are great, but they never really knew Trey. They have their own problems, their own grief. I need my real mom."

It was breaking Marissa's heart to hear all of this. She felt like an intruder, but she didn't know if she could leave.

"Do you hate me, Ry?"

"Of course not," Ryan said, sitting down next to his mother.

"I messed up by drinking. I'm never going to drink again."

"Don't make promises you can't, and won't, keep."

"Fine. Then you promise me this. You promise me that you will never get involved in the stuff Trey was in. Promise me you will be an architect or whatever the hell you want to be. Don't end up like me or your dad or your brother."

"I promise."

"I used to sing you a song to help you fall asleep at nights. Do you remember it?"

"It wasn't exactly a lullaby, Mom. But yeah, I remember it."

"Trey loved it. I want it played at his funeral."

"We'll see what we can do."

There was a pause and both Atwoods were wrapped up in their own thoughts.

"Am I a good mother?" Dawn asked finally.

"The best."


	4. A Girlfriend's Confrontation

**Summary: Marissa and Ryan talk.**

**A/N:Okay. So, not bad for having started school and everything. Not that impressive, but not bad. Let me just state that I can already feel that I will be getting a lot of hmwk, so I don't know how regular these updates can be. For now though, hmwk is light, so here I am! A HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks to people who reviewed the last chapter. Only one person, though, gave me an idea for a song! I was going to make this chapter the funeral, but I had another idea, so it won't be for another few chapters. Which gives you guys lots of time to think of songs Dawn might have sung to her children and tell them to me. In this chapter, the part in _italics_ are flashbacks. I'm not in to the whole writing "flashback". I would like any and ALL reviews, as usual, so please do! Enjoy.**

**Shout-outs! ****_ryannotseth_****: Ah, a first time reviewer of this story. Thanks for the suggestion! I was thinking more rock, but when you mentioned Madonna, it seems very likely. ****_Dogsbody_****: I've never thought about it that way, but it sounds good to me. There isn't much Dawn in this chapter, but there will be plenty in the next few, so I can't wait to hear what other interesting things you have to say about her. ****_kursk_**** If you meant Ryan and Marissa being better, well here you go. This whole chapter is about them. I wasn't planning on writing this chapter, but...Btw--whatdoes IMO mean? _TeacherTam_: It most definitely is. _J:_ My thoughts exactly about his child. I mean, I really wanted Ryan out of Chino, but they could have had him show a little more regret. I'm sorry you're sick, hopefully you're better now! ****_Pyrinsomniac_**** What is this less-is-more thing you keep talking about? I have never had my writing described like that, although this is a little different from what I usually write. I am really interested in what you mean. It's a good thing, right? lol. Thanks for reviewing. ****_slimkay:_**** Thank you, and here is the update. _vjm:_ Good point. I'm sorry I overlooked that. I went and did my research about when you can know the sex of the baby, and I didn't even think about that. I'm sorry I didn't get it right, but no one can be perfect. Hopefully, I didn't make any other mistakes in this chapter.**

**P.S.--I recently saw a clip of the opening of the premiere. What can I say excpet omg? It was amazing. If you want a hint, I got a little right in writing Moments Disappearing. Five more days!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.

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Silence seemed to be a trait that ran in the Atwood blood.

Ryan had driven Dawn home, him in silence, her in sobs and then snores.

Ryan had biked back to pick up the Range Rover, the silence of the streets echoing around him.

Marissa had stepped out to meet him when he came up the driveway, and he had come inside without her saying a word.

It wasn't until a few passionate kisses later, as if Ryan was trying to make up for what Dawn had said, that the silence stopped.

"Is she always like that when she's drunk?" Marissa said timidly.

"Always," Ryan said sadly.

"Did your dad…did he really knock you guys around?"

Ryan stiffened visibly. "Why?"

"Your mom talked about how bruises were like jewelry."

Ryan swore under his breath. His family, especially his father, was not something he liked to discuss. The visit to jail still fresh in his mind from earlier that day, talking about it would make everything even harder.

"I guess. He wasn't as bad as some dads, but he definitely wasn't the best. Trey always got the brunt of it."

Marissa froze, but knew that they had to talk about it.

"You should have told me about the robbery," she said, shifting away from Trey.

"What's there to tell?" he asked, knowing full well there was plenty.

"She told me. About…what he did, what he said."

"Oh did she? She always was talkative under the influence… Look, what do you want to say? So he robbed a toy store. So he blamed it on us. So he still blames me nine years later."

"What?"

Idiot, he thought to himself. He had forgotten that Marissa had no idea he had gone to visit his dad.

"Nothing."

"Is that where you were this afternoon? Visiting him?"

Slowly, Ryan nodded. Let the assault begin…

"I could have gone with you. Did your mom make you go? Why didn't you tell me?"

"No," he replied harshly. "You couldn't have gone with me. It was something I had to do by myself. And when would I have told you? As soon as I got your message, I came here and had to deal with _her_."

Marissa hung her head shamefully. Sometimes she got tired of always needing to be saved.

"I'm sorry. I just didn't know what else to do."

Ryan could hear the hurt in her voice. Damn, he hated hurting her.

"Hey, look," he said softly, bringing her chin up. "I'm not mad at you for calling me. It's just…being around him was like a flashback. I would have hoped that after all these years he would change. I guess that's what happens when you live in a place like this. You learn to hope again."

At this, Marissa wrapped arms around Ryan, drawing him to her. She hated it when he talked like that. She planted her lips on his and slipped her tongue inside.

Ryan had always been able to take away some of the pain away by kissing her. She hoped to return the favor.

Slowly, the two made their way up the stairs, both of them feeling their way with eyes closed. There were a couple of times when Marissa almost slipped, but Ryan caught her. She backed into her room and fell back onto the bed. He climbed on and resumed his slow, luxurious kisses.

After a few minutes, Ryan began to inch his hand onto actual flesh. Her smooth hipbone was revealed, followed by her bellybutton. It wasn't until her ribs were exposed that Marissa remembered what they had been talking about.

As much as she hated to end this moment, she knew they had to talk.

"Ryan," she said breathlessly.

"Hmm," he asked, kissing her between each letter. His fingertips rested just below her ribs. So close, and yet so far away.

"Ryan, we have to talk. About…us."

Ryan opened his eyes, tickling Marissa's face, as the soft skin beneath his fingers turned to ice.

What talking did there need to be done? Hadn't they talked enough that first night?

_The police had left. The doctors had left. The commotion had left. Ryan had left, where to she had no idea._

_It had been just her, sitting on the couch in the waiting room._

_The couch was just as hard as it had been while waiting for news of Luke, but it was worse this time._

_There was no Ryan for Marissa to lean on. No Ryan for her to share her secret with._

_  
The whole world was harder without Ryan._

_She was so lost in thought that she didn't see Ryan come in through the door with two cups of coffee._

_He sat down beside her and she jumped._

_Carefully, she accepted the cup from Ryan, shivering when their hands touched._

_All of a sudden, she needed caffeine. It was going to be a long night and she was already thoroughly exhausted._

_She took a single cautious sip, then chugged the whole cup down._

_Ryan watched, wincing as he imagined the hot liquid burning her throat._

"_Are you okay?" he asked as she set down the now empty cup._

"_Hmm?" Marissa replied, already feeling the caffeine kick in. "Oh, yeah, just fine."_

"_Well that makes one of us," Ryan said under his breath._

_He slowly sipped his coffee, trying to think of something to say to his girlfriend. Or not girlfriend? See, that was why he had to talk to her._

"_I did it for you, you know," Marissa said, before he had even thought of a way to begin._

"_I know," he said heavily._

"_He was going to kill you."_

"_Tell me about it."_

"_I didn't want to lose you! I'm not sorry if it means I saved your life."_

_Ryan turned to face her, amazed at what she had just said. It was better than when she said she loved him._

"_Marissa, I'm not mad at you. You saved my life." He took her hands in his and laced them together._

"_I just love you so much. I couldn't watch as he killed you."_

_In response, Ryan kissed her hard._

"_I love you, too. Thank you for…doing what you had to do to save me."_

"_What if…what if he dies?"_

"_I don't know," he said truthfully._

"Look, if you mean you want to talk about us being together, I'm not sure what there is to talk about. It seemed like you were fine with it a minute ago."

Marissa sighed impatiently.

"That's not what I mean. I'm talking about your mom."

"My mom?" Ryan echoed, rolling off of Marissa and on to the side of the bed.

"She has to know about us. She has a decision to make."

"What decision does she have to make? Whatever she has to say won't make a difference on how I feel."

"I know, I know," Marissa said hastily. "But I am going to eventually come in between you two. I just know it. The girl who killed her son is dating her other son?"

"But what the hell does she have to choose?"

"If she's okay with it or not. If she is, we'll go from there. If not, then…"

"Right now, I'm about ready to call it quits with her."

"What?" Marissa said, turning so that she and Ryan were facing each other. "What was all that about not wanting her to abandon you?"

Ryan cringed at the sound of those wimpy words.

"She really does love you, Ry," she continued, kissing him softly.

"Could have fooled me," he said scornfully.

"She was talking and…you could tell she was grieving," Marissa said, remembering Dawn's sobs. "It was terrible and heartbreaking." A tear trickled down her cheek, but she quickly wiped it away, hoping Ryan hadn't noticed.

"Oh God, Ryan. What have I done? I am the cause of her grief! I'm a terrible person!" The tears flowed faster now and she couldn't stop them.

Ryan had not been expecting Marissa to cry. He brought her closer to him in an effort to soothe her.

Soft sobs racked through her body and there was nothing Ryan could do to stop them.

"She said…She said she thought I shot Trey because of what he did to me."

"That's ridiculous," Ryan said truthfully, the thought never having crossed his mind.

"Is it? I wasn't thinking about it at the time, but what if I was thinking about it subconsciously?"

"Then it wouldn't matter. It's not like he was innocent."

_Ryan had walked into the kitchen a few days after the shooting and had seen Sandy's papers spread out on the table._

_Curious as to what they said about him, Ryan opened one of the folders._

_Sitting on top were pictures of someone's skin. Flawless, beautiful skin that was very familiar to Ryan._

_Except that the flesh in these pictures wasn't flawless anymore. It was marred by bruises and scratches._

_He rushed out the door, hopped on his bike, and pedaled to Marissa's house, the pictures in his pocket._

_Julie answered the door when he rang and told him she was upstairs._

_He didn't bother knocking. She was sitting in front of the mirror, wearing nothing but a robe._

_She quickly pulled the robe closer around her top half as she stood up._

"_Ryan, what are you doing here?"_

_Ryan pulled out the pictures, his blood boiling and his mind raging._

"_These are of you, aren't they?"_

_Marissa couldn't see the pictures all that well, but recognized them as the ones the doctor had taken as evidence._

"_Aren't they?" he demanded._

_She nodded mutely, afraid of what Ryan might do next. Out of habit, she held on to the edge of her robe, covering up the area in question._

_Ryan's eyes followed her hands, coming to rest on a patch of skin just below her collarbone. He looked from the pictures to her hands._

_Slowly, in hindsight, he remembered the way she had played with the edge of her shirt the first day of school after Spring Break._

_He walked over to Marissa and pushed her hand aside. Ryan wasn't trying to hurt her, but he had to see it for himself. He knew that she would never show him voluntarily._

_The robe was flimsy and didn't hide the scars underneath it, but he still pushed the robe off her shoulder._

_He was astonished and disgusted by what he saw. They were obviously there from fingernails. Ryan could only imagine the pain she must have felt from them._

_Entranced by them, he softly ran his fingers over them. When he got to a particularly red spot, Marissa winced._

_She was well aware of the fact that for one of the first times in their relationship, she was almost completely naked in front of him. The ironic part of it was that he wasn't paying attention to that fact._

_Ryan felt her wince and stopped his tracing. Dipping his head, he planted soft kisses on her skin, trying to take the pain away._

"_I can't believe he did this to you. God, I'm such an idiot! How could I have not seen them?"_

"_I tried to hide it from you, Ryan."_

"_I am so sorry," he said mournfully, tears stinging the back of his eyes._

_He enveloped her in a hug and felt her relax against him._

A thought suddenly crossed Marissa's mind.

"You never told me it was a boy."

"What?" Ryan asked, not comprehending what she had just said.

"The baby…you never said you knew the sex."

She always had to bring that up at the wrong moments.

"Thinking about it just made everything harder," he replied slowly.

"Do you ever…think about him? About what it might be like if he was alive?" Marissa didn't know why she was asking this, knowing it would only bring her more pain. She had decided that she needed to be there more for him, and this was the way to start.

Ryan wasn't sure of how to answer. Should he give her the truth? That when his son had died, he had felt like a part of him had died? Or does he tell her about the part of him that felt reborn? What about how he thinks about his son almost every day?

"Sometimes," he said at last.

Marissa nodded her head, knowing he wasn't giving her the full truth. It was a start, though.

"We do have to tell your mom, Ry. I'm not going to try to deceive her."

"Tomorrow," he promised.

With that, he kissed her again.


	5. A Hung Over Confrontation

**Summary: A hung-over Dawn faces and angry Ryan.**

**A/N: _SCREAMS._ I had this entire thing written, and then my comp went STUPID and went to a diff page! I'm going to kill something! Okay, so this part will be quick because I am NOT in the mood to rewrite a part no one reads. Sorry for the slow update. Um, Dawn is a bitch in this chapter, but I promise she gets a little more motherly. At least a little...I apologize if this description of a hangover isn't perfect...having never been drunk, I don't have any personal experience. Thanks to previous reviews, altho I only got one more suggestion for a song. Please please please rack your brains and think of a song. Or maybe just a band? At the very least, leave a review. Enjoy.**

**Shout outs..._kursk:_** **I'm not sure if this counts as freaking out...IMO! It's so obvious! While we are on the subject of abbreviations, what does AU mean? I feel stupid and have been trying to figure this out for ages. _J:_ Congrats on being an aunt. Thanks for putting my story before homwork. Hopefully it's more enjoyable. lol. _Ansy Pansy aka Panz:_ Personally, I like the bruises flashback better than the other one as well. And don't worry, I'm still writing... _fAB:_ Marissa is putting a lot of stuff on him, as usual. I tried, though, in this chapter to make her more of a...knight, you know? Or would it be a knightess? _Pyrinsomniac:_ Ah, thanks for clearing that up. I'm glad my style of writing makes the story good. _TeacherTam:_ Nope, this chapter didn't turn out well for them. And don't feel bad about being a late bloomer in rock, all lovers are welcomed at any age. You wanna know what's worse? I used to CHOOSE to listen to only classical. Not that there is anything wrong with classical music (I play flute!), but I was like eight. Yups, that me, the dork. _Dogsbody:_ Messed up, I know. Then again, talking _has_ always been one of the weaknesses in their relationships...**

**P.S.--What did you all think of the premiere? I thought it was dissapointing. Everything was wrapped up way too easily. I mean, they didn't even leave the dock and they were caught! I was talking with my friend and you know what would have been awesome? If they had gotten half way there, and then had a huge chase scene. Now THAT is old school OC drama.**

**P.P.S.--_Warning, the following Post Post Script contains a spoiler._----------->I have read at several different places that in the third episode, Ryan and Marissa FINALLY have sex! I am so excited! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.

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Hangovers sucked.

Plain and simple.

One would think that hangovers alone would stop a person from drinking.

More often than not, hangovers drove Dawn to drink more.

That was what Dawn was thinking as she slowly blinked open her eyes and felt the throbbing headache.

In a few hours, the alcohol would help her get over it.

Except when she looked around with squinted eyes, she didn't recognize where she was.

The furniture was too nice, the place too big, and the walls too pretty.

This was not her house.

A second look with eyes open a little more revealed someone sitting in a chair, watching her.

Ryan.

It was clear he was brooding, something he had taken up as soon as he hit the teenage years.

Although it seemed to her that he had started brooding from the moment he was born.

Dawn opened her mouth, and found that her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth.

There was a knock on the door and Ryan seemed to come out of his head.

An extremely tall girl (hangovers always seemed to magnify everything to Dawn) walked in with a smile on her face.

Ryan glanced over at the bed and Dawn and the girl nodded.

He got up and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her softly.

In turn, Marissa put her hands around his neck and sighed.

Dawn felt awkward watching this exchange, but she knew it would only get worse if she made it known she was awake.

A few whispered words were traded, and, with a final look towards Dawn, the couple grasped hands and walked out of the pool house.

Out of habit, Dawn looked over to the left, where the bedside table was. Even after the past two years, she did this every morning she woke up hung-over.

When Ryan had lived with her, he had always placed a bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water on the table if she came home drunk.

For the first time in two years, the Tylenol was sitting there beside a glass of water.

She stretched her arm and felt her muscles complain. Ignoring them, she grabbed the glass and raised it to her lips, feeling the coolness wash over her dry mouth.

Two Tylenols and a trip to the bathroom later, Dawn was ready to look in the mirror.

At least, she thought she was.

The sight before her was frightening. She threw on a robe she found and shook out her hair.

A little better, but no comparison to Kirsten, she was sure.

Dawn stepped out into the bright sunlight and felt her head pounding in protest.

Sitting near the pool was Ryan and Marissa. They were intertwined and silent.

Despite her efforts to be quiet, the door clicked shut and her footsteps seemed to echo.

Ryan looked up and saw his mother.

Marissa expected him to let go of her, but instead he held on tighter.

"Mom," Ryan said, obviously embarrassed by her disheveled appearance.

"Morning," Dawn replied with apparent strain. "Marissa, you look fabulous this morning."

"Um…Thank you," she replied, taken aback by the 360 change in character.

Reluctantly, Ryan untangled himself from his girlfriend and stood up.

"Do you want some coffee?" he asked, knowing full well that coffee was the last thing Dawn was in the mood for.

"Er…No, thanks. Maybe just a glass of orange juice…" she replied, the thought of caffeine making her stomach queasy.

Marissa got up and took Ryan's hand as he walked towards the kitchen. Dawn knew that Ryan had only said that to remind her that he knew what had happened yesterday.

By the time her muscles remembered to move, the couple was already inside. She could see Marissa sitting on the counter and throwing cereal at Ryan, who was getting a glass for Dawn.

The moment the door opened, however, the two quit smiling.

Somberly, Ryan handed his mother the glass of orange juice.

"Would you like some cereal, Mrs. Atwood?" Marissa politely asked.

Her stomach churned again and she shook her head. "I'm not really much of a morning person."

Ryan mumbled something under his breath, which Marissa pretended she hadn't heard and Dawn paid no attention to.

She sat down at the end of the island and sighed. It would have to come out sometime. It seemed Ryan was in a better mood when around his girlfriend, so Dawn decided it would be better when she was around.

"Look, Ry, I just wanted to apologize for last night."

"Don't apologize to me. I'm used to it."

Marissa blushed for Dawn and in expectation of the apology directed towards her.

"You're right. Marissa, I'm sorry. I can't…er…remember most of what I said last night, but I know from experience that it can't have been nice. Or even my true thoughts."

"Now, that's not true, Mom. It always seemed to me that the truth only came out when you were drunk."

"I wasn't drunk," Dawn said in defense.

"Oh, right. So you don't have a hangover this morning?"

Dawn hung her head.

"I'm just a little under the weather."

"That's the story of my life," Ryan muttered.

"I know you're mad. But can't you just—"

"Of course I'm mad! I thought you said you didn't drink anymore."

"I don't. That is why I am simply under the weather."

"Cut the bull shit, Mom. Look, we all know you were drunk last night. We all know you are hung-over this morning. So just cut to the chase. Why did you really come over yesterday?"

"I needed to talk to Marissa, plain and simple," Dawn said steadily, meeting Ryan's gaze. "What we talked about is between us and does not involve you."

"You accused her of killing Trey on purpose!" Ryan said in disbelief. "How can you say that doesn't involve me?"

Dawn flashed an angry glare at Marissa before looking towards her son.

"Maybe it does."

"How could you even think that she would do something like that?"

"How could you not?" Dawn said evenly.

Ryan laughed bitterly and shook his head. "I can't believe you."

"It was the perfect way to get her anger out, I gotta say. You know, kill two birds with one stone? Save you and get revenge."

Marissa remembered the way Dawn had laughed hysterically at that metaphor and shuddered. Unfortunately, Dawn noticed her shudder and took it to mean something else.

"You see! With that one body movement, she confessed it all."

"You're unbelievable," Ryan said disgustedly. He took a hold of Marissa arm and walked towards the front hall.

"Don't tell me that thought has never crossed your mind. I know you, Ryan, better than you think I do," Dawn called, willing to say anything to stop her son from walking out on her.

He let go of Marissa's arm and stormed back into the kitchen.

"You don't know the first thing about me," he practically shouted. "If you did, you would know that I have not once thought about it that way. How could I? Marissa saved my life."

"And in doing so, took another," Dawn replied, an evil smirk playing across her face.

Ryan squared his jaw, considering his options. He knew that his mom would never understand, the way his dad would never understand love.

"You gotta choose, Mom," he said at length, emotion clogging the back of his throat. "Are you gonna focus on the son you lost, or the son you still have?"

Dawn's mouth fell open and she stared at Ryan. No way was he putting this on her.

"Well that depends. Who do you choose?"

"What do you mean?" Ryan responded, having a pretty good idea of what she meant.

"Me or her. Your mother or the girl who killed your brother." Dawn smirked again, positive that she had this in the bag.

"It doesn't work that way. Because for me, there is no choice. No matter which son you choose," he said, pointing towards his mother, "I choose Marissa. You see, Marissa, unlike you, has been there for me. For God's sake, she shot someone _for me_."

Dawn could not believe what she had just heard. Her son had chosen the killer over her? No son was supposed to put anyone before their mother. It just didn't work that way.

"I'm gonna give you one more chance. Say that again, and that's it for us," she said.

"Well then I guess that's it." Ryan stalked out of the kitchen, brushed past Marissa, and slammed the door shut behind him.

Dawn bit the inside of her lip, feeling the tears threatening to spill over. She had officially pushed everyone she cared about away. Even if she didn't know Ryan as much as she thought, she knew him well enough to realize that he wouldn't want to talk to her ever again.

There was a soft click and Dawn suddenly remembered that Marissa had overheard the entire exchange.

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The lifeguard tower was usually Marissa's place and the pool house was his.

However, seeing how the pool house was currently full of his mother's shit, the tower was the next best thing.

The ocean mist sprayed over him, settling in his hair and lungs. The salt was a welcome feeling; it had been too long since he had visited the beach.

Ryan could hear quiet footsteps on the ramp, but chose to ignore them. Marissa came in sight and sat down next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder and lacing their fingers together.

"That went well," he said sarcastically.

"I'm not asking you to choose between us. I would never ask you to do that," she said.

"No, I know you wouldn't. But she did."

"I told you I would just get in the way of everything. Look, maybe," it broke her heart to say it. "Maybe I should just give you guys a little space. Let you guys work stuff out."

Ryan turned his head and kissed her. Resting his forehead against hers, he shook his slightly.

"If you leave, if you 'give us some space', I will have no one. I didn't choose you to be abandoned. That was why I didn't choose her."

"I would never abandon you," Marissa said confidently.

"Good." Ryan kissed her again, and she held on to it. "And, from experience, that whole time and space thing is never a good plan."

She smiled into his mouth and ran her fingers through his hair.

"So you're not going to try the whole space thing with your mom?"

Why was she always so adamant that they interrupt every perfect moment with words? He knew there was a reason he remained silent.

"I said it earlier and I'm saying it again. Even more so now. I don't want to have anything else to do with her."

"Ryan, she's your mom."

"Nope," he said bitterly. "I don't have a mom. At least not a biological one. As far as I'm concerned, she is just some screwed up drunk who has pissed me off one to many times."

"What about the funeral? You're going to have to sit next to her during that," Marissa pointed out.

"I can sit next to a stranger," Ryan said, not feeling so sure that he could. "I just don't have to talk to her."

"Don't do something now that you'll regret later. Haven't we all learned what that can lead to?"

Damn, she was good.

"I know what it's like to wish you had a different mom. Believe me, I know."

"Not like this, you don't," he replied, shaking his head. "You don't know what it's like to have a mom who won't get help, who won't even admit she gets drunk every evening, and then gets more drunk to fight off the hangover. You've never been kicked out of your house. Hell, your mom was anxious to get you back."

Ryan sighed.

"I was trying to be sympathetic," Marissa said indignantly.

"Well I don't need your sympathy. And I don't need your space. I just…I just need you."

"In that case, I'm all yours."


	6. A Sober Confrontation

**Summary: Dawn pries too much into Ryan's life.**

**A/N: I AM SO SORRY. I feel terrible that this update is so late. I really, truly am. I kept trying to get this up sooner than now, I was ashamed that it had been so long...but I had a million things to do. But hey, I wrote part of this while in French, and on the way to the Green Day concert (which, btw, ROCKED. Holy crap, it was amazing). Let's see...We are coming up to the funeral chapter (and most likely the end) pretty soon. This chapter, as always, didn't turn out the way I had envisioned it, so tell me what you thought. About the whole song thing: I may just totally forget it. I have no idea how to work it in and I can't think of any good ideas. If you have any, feel free to leave them. Thanks to previous reviews. PLEASE please please leave a review like the awesome ppl below did.**

**Shout outs.!.!.! _kursk:_** **AU! Makes so much sense now. Thx. I hope Dawn redeemed herself in this chapter...And I thought ep. 303 WAS awesome. How bout you? _Dogsbody:_ lol. Your reviews are always funny and totally out there. Sometimes I wish Ryan punched more people. Especially his mother. And about the season: I thought the second and third episodes totally rocked. The fourth SUCKED. So I don't know about their continuity. _J:_ I watch like all the episodes like three times, so don't feel bad. lol. Thx for the review, as always. _Pyrinsomniac_: LOL. I totally agree about becoming superficial. They are coming out with a new clothing line, you know? _gag_ Sorry, but we don't need more people copying. Get your own style, not one of a fake character. _TeacherTam_: WOW. Your review was AMAZING. I love it when readers leave me personal, intimate things. It makes me feel like I'm really connecting, which is the real reason why I write. Let's see, where to start? That part about letting them in is the tragedy is totally amazing. I might have to use that line later in the story. And the music...lol. We could keep this up for ages. You should really listen to more music, any kind of course. Rock (Green Day, Trapt, Staind, NIN, MCR, etc) is my personal choice, but whatever suits you. Pretty interesting bout your family tho. I'm sure you play piano just fine. Thx for the wonderful review. **_**Red-Satin**_** Why thank you, and I apologize for this being so very late.**

**P.S.--Did anyone else think The Last Waltz sucked? I'm sorry, but it was totally bland and boring and pointless. Tell me what you thought because I have heard from a lot of ppl that they loved it.**

**P.P.S.--Part of the reason this is so late is because I have started writing reviews for Editorial Newport (http/newport. The site is amazing, and I'm not just saying it because I write for them. There are like four other writers who are all talented. If you want to find out what my opinion was (in depth), head over there. My name is Jenni, so look for mine. But read all of them. lol.**

**P.P.P.S--I am so going to die without the O.C. for a whole month.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C.Nor do I own The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.**

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Sobriety isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

At least not to Dawn.

Now, hours after her argument with Ryan, she was sober.

And she almost liked Newport better when she was hung-over.

Almost.

For the first few minutes after Ryan stormed out on her, Dawn had stood motionless in the kitchen. Motionless because she couldn't believe what had just happened, as well as the fact that she hurt less standing in one spot.

Then, she had gone through and looked for any drop of alcohol. Turns out that when the mistress goes to rehab for being an alcoholic, all the booze gets thrown out.

Damn.

She had returned to the pool house without alcohol.

Hours later, she was still sitting there. Blinking, she realized she couldn't recall what she had been doing for the past few hours. Most likely, she fell asleep.

Maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to retreat to her son's room. The son that had just called off their relationship…

The pool house didn't scream Ryan, but it didn't whisper it, like his room back at home had. It was somewhere in the middle. The decorations were iffy, definitely not bad-boy enough. Then again, he was never the typical bad boy.

She walked over to the "dresser". It wasn't really a dresser, what with its cubby holes and drawers. It was, however, way nicer than anything Dawn had ever owned.

One of the cubby holes was filled with wife beaters. She had to smile to herself at that. Looking through the other drawers, she wasn't surprised by what she found. Jeans, shoes, button down shirts, etc. In the final cubby hole, she found a canvas duffel bag. Dawn recognized it as the one Ryan had left the house with, back when she had kicked him out.

The bag was surprisingly heavy. The zipper stuck a little, but with a few tugs, the bag was open. Inside were things Ryan had obviously chosen _not_ to unpack. At first, she thought it was from when he had left Chino. Then thinking harder, she realized it was probably from when he had lived in Chino with Theresa.

On top was a hoodie. Nothing special there. Then there was a pair of dirty jeans. They appeared to be his constructions pants. Searching through the pockets, she found a plan ticket stub. Dawn expected there to be some other things, but all that was left was pocket change. Next was something Dawn hadn't expected—a piece of baby clothing. It was a blue onesie. Flipping over the tag, she was astonished at where it had come from. Definitely way too expensive to be from Chino. The note attached to the outfit proved her right.

_Dear Ryan and Theresa,_

_We are so happy to hear it's a boy! Congratulations. Boys are definitely…tricky, but I have loved raising sons. I hope you two do as well._

_I know you said not to send anything, but I just couldn't help myself. Shopping, even for the unborn, is something no woman can resist._

_Once again, congratulations. Be sure to send us pictures later on._

_Love,_

_Kirsten (and Sandy)_

Son_s_. Plural. Multiple. Meaning Ryan.

A part of Dawn felt bad about invading what were obviously Ryan's most intimate things. However, the other part of her justified it as one last ditch attempt to reconnect with her son.

Gingerly, she placed the onesie to the side. Would she have made a good grandmother? Would Ryan have even wanted her to be a grandmother? Hell, he hadn't ever actually told her he was going to be a father. If the pregnancy had gone to full term, would he have ever told her? Surely, a child deserved to at least acknowledge his grandmothers. Then again, there was Kirsten, who had already proved to be a better mother than her. It would figure that she would be a better grandmother.

Sighing, she turned her thoughts back to the bag. The bag had gotten much lighter and she could only see a few more things in there. She reached her hand in and swore. Pulling her hand quickly out of the bag, she sucked on her finger. Something in the bag had given her a paper cut. She reached around to the other side of the bag and felt her hand slide against something thick.

The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. What the hell was that? More importantly, what the hell was it doing in Ryan's run away bag? Sure, Ryan had always been a reader, but this was just absurd. This book was thick. Dawn flipped it over and read the back cover.

_Joe Kavalier, a young Jewish artist who has also been trained in the art of Houdini-esque escape, has just smuggled himself out of Nazi-invaded Prague and landed in New York City. His Brooklyn cousin Sammy Clay is looking for a partner to create heroes, stories, and art for the latest novelty to hit America—the comic book. Drawing on their own fears and dreams, Kavalier and Clay create the Escapist, the Monitor, and Luna Moth, inspired by the beautiful Rosa Saks, who will become linked by powerful ties to both men._

Bor-ing. Once again, why would Ryan want to read this? She flipped back the front cover and read the name scrawled in the top left. _Seth Cohen_. Leave it to that nerd to force Ryan to read a book like this. Then again, if Seth had forced Ryan to read it, why had he taken it with him to Chino? This was all a little confusing.

Dawn flipped through the heavy book, scanning the pages full of words and absorbing the page numbers. All of a sudden, something fell out of the book.

Lovely. Just what she needed, something to alert Ryan that she had been through his stuff. Bending down, she groaned at the pain in her back and swore again. The picture seemed to elude her, sliding slightly on the floor and tucking part of itself under the bed. She sighed and lowered herself to the ground, resigned to her fate of not getting up.

Dawn groped under the bed for the picture and felt, instead, a box. Pulling it out, she wasn't surprised by what she found. It was a box of condoms. However, a second glance showed that the box was unopened. Apparently, someone wasn't getting a lot of action here. That surprised her, considering Ryan and Marissa were all over each other.

Ducking her head under, Dawn marveled at how neat Ryan was. Not even under the bed was messy. Usually, people had stuff under the bed they didn't want anyone else to find. She knew that under her bed was a stash of coke and alcohol, as well as a gun and some money. It seemed the only thing Ryan wanted to hide was a box of condoms. Not exactly what she considered buried treasure.

A bit of white showed through the dark and Dawn remembered why she was on the ground in the first place. She reached her hand a little farther and grasped the corner. Pulling it out, she turned towards the door turned over the picture.

Of all the pictures to be carrying around, she had not expected this one. It was a gorgeous, glossy picture of none other than Marissa. And Ryan, of course. She had her arms around his neck and a great big smile on her face. Ryan had his arms around her waist and a smile on _his _face, something rarely seen. In the background, Dawn could see what looked like a Ferris Wheel and other carnival rides.

The edges of the picture were crinkled, as if it had been looked at many times. No doubt Ryan had looked at this picture while in Chino, wishing he could be any where other than Theresa's house.

With a groan, Dawn pulled herself back up to the bed and gingerly set the picture back inside the book. The light in the room showed that there was still one more thing left in the bag. Wondering what it could be and expecting anything, she reached in and took out a spiral notebook.

What the hell was a notebook doing in this bag? Ryan was definitely not a writer; writing was just speaking on paper. She flipped open the cover and was met with blank page after blank page. Finally, she came to a page with hasty writing. It appeared to be a letter that had never gotten sent.

_Dear Theresa,_

_Um…hey. You know how I suck at this letter writing stuff. But I figured I might as well give it my best shot. I don't really know why I'm writing, actually. It's just…I can't leave things the way it was when I left._

_Are you sure you're okay with me leaving? You never showed me the scans of the ultrasound, you never let me talk to the doctor; maybe we should have gotten a second opinion. Who am I kidding? We both know this summer was hard and awkward. That doesn't mean I didn't want to be with you and the baby. I did. It was just hard to grasp, you know? What am I saying, of course you know._

_Maybe we _should_ look at this as a sign. We wouldn't have made good parents, would we? Seriously, parents at age 17? At least now we can have normal lives. Or, as normal as we have ever had._

_Who knows, maybe we will see each other again. One day in the future. Maybe we will be married to other people and have kids of our own. Seems pretty far off, doesn't it? Right now I just want to focus on getting through of high school. And not kicking any more water polo player's asses._

_Hope everything's good with you._

_--Ryan_

No wonder Ryan hadn't sent that. Dawn sniggered. Water polo? Who the hell played water polo?

She flipped to the next page and found another letter.

_Dear Theresa,_

_How is Atlanta? I hope it's nicer and better than Chino. Everything is just as crazy here in Newport as ever. Same girl trouble for Seth, same dumb parties for the adults, and same…me._

_I know it's crazy, but I keep thinking maybe I will run into you at one of those parties. You know, catering? Maybe if I just saw you again, I could make everything right. Not a day goes by when I don't think about you or him or what could have been._

_I'm sure you realize there is an ulterior motive here. All day I have been thinking about it. We passed a pregnant woman the other day at the diner and I thought about you. Today was the due date. Can you imagine what it would have been like? I would have been so messed up and you…would have been just as strong as ever._

_I'm sorry, it was dumb of me to write this. It's just brining up old issues that I'm guessing you have buried already. Maybe it's time I have as well._

_--Ryan_

_P.S.—I'm still waiting for a letter from you._

Holy shit. That was a lot of shit to carry around, not to mention all the other lovely things that accumulated over the years. So where exactly did Ryan's loyalties lie? Dawn guessed it was with Marissa, but what about Theresa? Maybe if she got Theresa involved, she could win Ryan back…

What the hell was she thinking? Ryan had made his decision, and it wasn't her place to try and change it. She wasn't the conniving bitch everyone made her out to be, was she? Sure, she was a bit of a gold digger, but who could blame her? Everyone in Chino was a gold digger. And okay, so maybe she had used her sons a little more to her advantage than she should have. But hey, she_ had_ given up her son so that he could have a better life. At least, that was why she thought she had given him up.

Oh god. Maybe she really was an evil, conniving bitch. Truth be told, most of the time Dawn was pretty sure she had given Ryan up to make her life easier, not his. True, it had made his life much better, but had that been the actual intent? Or had she just seen an escape and taken it? It didn't do much good to think about this now.

The thing was, she didn't want to think about what she _should_ be thinking about. Could she accept Marissa? If Dawn wanted any kind of a relationship with her son, and at this point in sobriety she did, she would have to make peace with Marissa. Was she wrong to not want to? Seriously, this girl had killed her son. Most people don't ask their mothers to reconcile with their son's killer.

But, as always, this wasn't the standard case. How could she overlook the fact that Trey had been killing Ryan? Now that she was sober, things were a littler clearer. Weren't they? Oh hell, they seemed just as fuzzy as ever. Sometimes, Dawn wondered if there wasn't a permanent filter on her vision that made everything very fuzzy.

Hell yes there was a filter. It's called alcohol.

Dawn put one hand on the bed for support and used the other to hold up her head. She sobbed softly, over what she wasn't sure. Perhaps the tears were for her lost son. Or perhaps they were for the son that had lost her. Maybe the sobs were for the husband who had abandoned her. Or maybe they were for all the times she had abandoned herself for alcohol. Most likely the tears were for all the rotten things that had happened in her life, both because of something she had done and something she had no control over.

And that was how Ryan found her hours later. He walked into the pool house, not sure what to expect, but not expecting what he found.

The canvas bag was sitting on the bed, wide open. Private things were strewn all over the bed and the floor. Things he tried hard every day to put out of his mind. His dirty construction pants, his stupid hoodie, and the book Seth had lent him. Ryan shook his head, remembering how Seth had said he couldn't be his friend until he read it. In Chino, he hadn't read it either.

With a gasp, Ryan realized that meant that his mother had also found the picture he had used as a bookmark. Peering around his mother's form, trying not to make any noise, his breath caught in his throat at the sight of the blue onesie. He had almost completely forgotten about that. Theresa had stuck it in his bag to give back to Kirsten, but he had never got around to it.

Okay, so that wasn't true. He had taken it out while unpacking his things, but had not been able to part with it. It was the only link connecting him to his awful summer. More than that, it was the only link connecting him to what might have been.

Ryan crept closer and was thankful there weren't any squeaky boards in the pool house.

Dawn was holding her head in her hands, a spiral bound notebook on the bed. He started as he recognized his own writing. Holy shit. His mother had found his letters, the letters he had meant to send to Theresa, but never had. The writing was now smeared with tears and dripping slightly down the page.

All of a sudden, Ryan was filled with a white hot rage. He had come back to talk to his mother and try to work things out, but now all he wanted was for her to get the hell out.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ryan hissed. Dawn turned around, surprised to find her son standing almost next to her. She looked around at the guilty pile surrounding her and started backtracking.

"Ryan, it's not what it looks like. It's not what you think!"

"What am I supposed to think? This isn't like the time I found you with a syringe and you passed it off as medication. Right? This isn't just like the time I found you with a half empty bottle of cough syrup and you said you had developed a cough? This sure as hell isn't like the time I found you about to give Trey his first heroin injection, right? Of course not. God, didn't you ever think that maybe I didn't believe you? Did it ever occur to you that I never actually thought you guys were sick all that time?" Ryan was so pissed off by now that he couldn't think straight. Memories were flooding his brain and words were spilling out of his mouth.

"What the hell are you doing with my personal stuff? There is a reason I kept it hidden."

"Hidden?" Dawn asked incredulously, trying to gain lost ground. "Ryan, if you want something hidden, you put it under the bed like a normal person. Unfortunately, all you seem to really want hidden is a box of condoms. Unopened, I may add."

Ryan thought ironic that was. Most mothers would have been overjoyed to find an unopened box of condoms, but not Dawn. She used it as leverage, to show that he had gone soft since Chino.

"So what, you just went looking for anything to use against me? Don't you think I've looked under your bed as well? I've lived in your closets, right next to your skeletons, Mom."

"If you would just let me explain, baby," she pleaded. Taking a step forward, Dawn reached her hands out to Ryan.

Ryan took a giant step back.

"Baby? I was never your baby. Baby's get care and love and protection. I didn't get any of those things from you."

"How can you say that? How can you say that to your own mother? I gave birth to you, I fed you, and I clothed you, and I put a roof over your head," Dawn seethed.

"You fed me moldy bread and dry cereal. You put me in clothes that were two sizes too small, two years too old, and two more sweat stains than needed. That "roof" you put over my head? Yeah, real stable there, Mom. I hated being at home. You know why? Because of guys like Dave, Joe, and A.J. Have you ever really looked at the scars they left on me? Have you ever taken a good, long, hard look?" Ryan was breathing heavily by now, all of his scars burning painfully.

"It's impossible to look at emotional scars, babe."

"I'm not even talking about emotional scars," Ryan said unbelievingly. "See, this is why I just can't stand you! You were always too drunk or too high or too busy having sex to realize what those guys did to me." He shoved his bare right wrist in her direction, showing the small scar that ran up and down. The one he had tried to keep hidden by a wrist cuff. "That is what Dave did to me." Ryan pulled down his collar, revealing a larger scar on his collarbone. "That is what Joe did to me." Putting the collar back in place, he lifted up his wifebeater, showing off a long, but faint, twisted scar that ran all down his left side. "This," he said jabbing at it, "is what A.J. did me. Trust me, you don't even want to see the other scars."

Dawn gaped at what he was showing her. How could she have ever missed these things? Sure, she had scars of her own, but how could she have not realized what those guys had done to her boys? At night she would sometimes hear them beating up on them, but it always ended with a black eye and a bruised stomach. Nothing dangerous, right?

"Ryan, I didn't come here to fight. The reason I was looking at all this," she said, sweeping her arm around the bed, "is because I want to know more about you. You're right, I don't know enough about you. And I want to. I want to be in your life, if you will let me."

"I already asked you this question and you posed another one. Look, I'm not gonna accept you without Marissa. I love Marissa, okay? More than I love you. More than you have ever loved me. Just get over it. Can you be okay with the two of us?"

"Ryan, what you're asking of me…I can't do it. I'm sorry, but, I mean, she killed him."

"No, Mom," Ryan replied, tears shining in his eyes. "His hate killed him. His hate and his messed up attitude and his addiction and okay, maybe even the Atwood luck. That is what killed him. He's been dead a long time now, Mom. All Marissa did was pull the trigger."

"So where do we go from here? Do you want me out of your life? Do you never want to see me again? I'm not gonna fight you—if you want me gone, I'm gone."

A door opened in the house and Marissa stepped out. She could tell, all the way from across the patio, that Ryan was talking with his mother. Marissa sighed, knowing that she was getting in the way of them, knowing that they had to work out their differences, knowing Ryan didn't want her to let them work them out.

"I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm supposed to want. Maybe you shouldn't stay here. I don't mean leave Newport, just…leave the Cohen's. Sandy can put you up in a hotel, and we can go from there."

With a slight nod, Dawn wiped the tears from her face and started gathering up Ryan's things.

"You don't have to do that," he began.

"No, I do. I'm sorry I looked at them. This stuff obviously means a lot to you. The letters, the baby clothing, the book…and the picture. Does Marissa know about any of this stuff?" Dawn asked casually, not trying to pry.

Ryan flushed. "Like I said, it's private stuff. Not even Seth knows it's here."

Their words drifted on the breeze over to Marissa, who wondered what they were talking. The baby clothing, the picture? She could only guess it had something to do with Theresa.

There was a moment of silence, and then Ryan turned and walked out the door, revealing Dawn holding a blue piece of tiny clothing.

Ryan stopped walking when he saw Marissa. She was staring at the baby clothing, trying to pretend she wasn't. Dawn, completely unaware of what was going on, moved around the pool house gathering things.

"Marissa," he said, walking slowly towards her. "What are you doing here?"

She held up his sweatshirt. "You left this at the lighthouse tower. I had to pass the house on the way home." Marissa took in the scattered things in the pool house and Dawn's red face. "You guys were fighting about me again, weren't you?"

"Actually, no. We were talking about, other stuff," he replied, taking her by the arm and leading her towards the house.

"So then why is she leaving?"

"She can't stay here. I don't know if I can be around her constantly. Whenever I'm around her, I worry about her, and I smell every glass she has, and I check the sheets to make sure she didn't shoot up on the bed, and… I just can't take it. I'm not supposed to be the adult. Not anymore."

Marissa didn't know what to say. She never worried about her mom, or hardly ever. She had no idea how to check the sheets to see if drugs are on them, and she had never considered having to monitor her mother's drink tally.

"Where is she going?"

Ryan shrugged. "The motel probably. Hopefully Sandy will be back soon."

"What do we do until then?"

"We wait."


	7. A Physical Confrontation

**Summary: Sandy gets some bad news.**

**A/N: FINALLY! I can not express how INCREDIBLY sorry I am that it took me three months to get this written. I re-wrote it like five times, and in the end it took a turn I was not expecting. Because of this, there will be another chapter added, making the grand total nine chapters and an epilogue. I am now on winter break, so I will be able to write more often. Hopefully, I will be able to get up at least one more chapter, if not two. Thank you to all the people who have stuck by this, waiting for the newest update.**

**Shout-outs:_Dogsbody:_ OMG, I love Hurt. After reading your review, I went to my player where I had recently burnt acopy of The Downward Spiral. I listened to Hurt and fell in love with it. It is an excellent suggestion that I will probably use, if I decide to put a song in. _slimkay:_ Thanks for the review, and sorry it took me so long. _J:_ The Green Day concert was amazing. You were moshing then, right? My friend was four people from the front. Unfortunately, I was way up high. Billie Joe was tiny! But it was still the coolest. Thx for the review!**

**_I will no longer be replying to reviews in the A/N. Anyone who is not annoynomous will get a message reply. All names will be mentioned in the A/N, but that is it. This way, it takes up less space and is more personal._**

**P.S.--Thank you SOOOOOOOOO much to anyone who reviewed _Punch_. I was not expecting a one-shot to get so many hits and reviews. It means a lot to me.**

**P.P.S--I am hoping to hit 40 reviews, if not more.For the amount of hits this gets and the number of alerts, I think four reviews is do-able. Please? If I do get 40 (yay!), then don't stop reviewing! Thanks!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with the O.C. I do, however, own the story. Do not steal and do not copy.

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Sandy was not having a good day. Or a good week for that matter.

His foster son's biological mother had come to confront Ryan about his brother's death.

It had been late that night when he had returned home, practically carrying Dawn into the pool house.

And now, he found out that the ordeal with Trey was finally over. At least physically.

After three weeks, the cops had released Trey's body and dismissed the case. There were going to be no charges pressed against either Marissa or Ryan. Everyone's stories matched, and only Marissa's fingerprints were on the gun. They had no case.

Now the problem was what to do with the body. How to tell Ryan and Marissa. How to tell Dawn.

Definitely a bad day.

Slowly, with overwhelming exhaustion, Sandy packed up his things and walked out of his office. Or, rather, his wife's office.

On the car ride home, he planned out what he was going to say. Two funerals in less than a month was two too many to plan. It had been hard for him to support Kirsten during that time; he had no idea how he was going to support his sons and their girlfriends and Dawn.

All he really wanted was a mix drink and some peace and quiet.

When he walked through the door, he heard the quiet and knew he would not be getting any peace.

Dropping his bag at the front door, he shuffled into the family room, where he could see four familiar figures sitting on the couch in silence.

"Hello?" Sandy called, not sure if any of them were alive.

"Dad!" Seth said, jumping a little.

"Sandy, hey," Ryan calmly said from his spot at the end.

"Is everything okay?" he asked of the teens.

Ryan unconsciously looked out at the pool house, where Dawn was gathering her things. She didn't have much, considering she hadn't been planning on staying very long. Gently, she folded the robe and various things that Ryan had lent her.

"Is she…going somewhere?"

"Well…I was hoping you could take her to a motel," Ryan answered awkwardly. "Her being here…it's a mistake. Trust me."

Marissa nodded in agreement and squeezed his hand.

Sandy sighed and closed his eyes. Perfect. Just what he needed on top of an already terrible day.

"She can't leave just yet, Ryan."

"Why not?" Ryan asked sharply.

Sandy took a seat in the empty chair and leaned forward, even though his body ached to relax.

"Agent Shem called me today."

"What? What for?" Marissa asked anxiously. Agent Shem had taken her statement.

"It's over, guys. They're releasing Trey's body. No charges are being pressed…it's over."

"Are you joking?" Seth asked. Summer hit him and he gave her a funny look.

"So what does this have to do with Dawn? She can still leave, can't she?" Summer asked.

Ryan shook his head. "We have a funeral to plan. And she has to be a part of it. She is going to freak out." He leaned back against the sofa and ran his hand through his hair.

Sandy watched as Marissa turned to look at Ryan. It was if the two shared an unspoken bond. Ryan stared into her eyes before nodding to himself and getting up off the couch.

"Where are you going?" Seth asked.

"To start her meltdown," was his muffled response.

With heavy footsteps, he shuffled out to the pool house, shutting the door behind him.

Dawn was surprised when Ryan walked into the pool house.

"Is Sandy here? I'm not quite ready yet." Her voice was soft and cautious.

"There's been…a change in plans, Mom." His eyes searched the room, looking for a spot to rest.

"What kind of change?" Dawn's whole demeanor changed.

"They're releasing Trey's body."

Ryan heard Dawn's sharp intake of air, followed by a faint hissing sound.

"Dear God…That means…We have to…"

He nodded and she collapsed on to the bed.

Inside the house, the four other people watched. Sandy got up and hurried outside. It was obvious his foster son was not handling this very well.

"Ryan, I can't afford a funeral. My money…it's uh…gone."

"Mom, you shouldn't be worried about money. The Cohen's will take care of it."

"NO!" Dawn sobbed. "I will not have another family paying for my son's funeral. They have done too much already. It wouldn't be right for them to pay for Trey. Not anymore than they already have."

"Dawn," Sandy said gently in his lawyer voice. "Dawn, it's okay. We will be more than happy to help you out." He stepped over the threshold and into the pool house.

"Don't you understand?" Dawn looked up at Sandy with a tear-streaked face. "What kind of a mother can't even afford to bury her own son?"

"Motherhood isn't measured in dollar amounts," Sandy replied, placing a firm hand on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan looked as if he was going to collapse from the embarrassment his mother was causing him.

"Let us take care of it. Trey can even be buried here, if you'd like." Ryan shot Sandy a look that clearly begged for him to take back those words.

"No, no. Trey needs to be buried where he belongs. In Chino. Newport is too good for him."

"If that's what you want," Sandy said as Ryan breathed out a barely audible sigh of relief.

Suddenly, she looked up. Ryan could almost see the dingy light bulb light up.

"Yeah, if I just go home and borrow some money from some friends, I could afford the funeral. That's a great idea."

"Friends, Mom?" Ryan scoffed, knowing exactly what "friends" meant. "I thought you said you were clean and sober?" His eyes searched the room, looking for anything out of place that might be a needle or a cracked mirror.

"I am, Ry. But that doesn't mean my friends are. I've got connections. A.J.! I could talk to A.J.!"

"Absolutely not, Mom! Don't you remember what it was like living with him?"

"Of course I do. But I've gotta do what I've gotta do. My son will not be buried in some trailer trash junk yard."

"No one will be buried in any junk yard and you will not be borrowing money from friends," Sandy said sternly. "No one is going anywhere, Dawn. I can take you to a hotel for tonight. In the morning, we can figure out what to do."

"Sandy," Ryan whispered softly, "Maybe she should stay here tonight. If she's by herself…I don't know what she might do." Actually, he had several ideas of what she might do, but voicing them was farther than he was willing, or able, to go.

"I'm not a child," Dawn said indignantly.

"No one said you were," Sandy interjected upon seeing Ryan's fists clench. "But maybe Ryan is right. You probably don't want to be alone tonight. Do you like Thai food?"

"We never had Thai," Ryan answered for Dawn.

"Well then, you are missing out. We'll order it and eat in a little while. I'm just going to…go back inside," Sandy finished lamely, sounding an awful lot like Seth.

Ryan stared out after Sandy, his eyes following the man into the house. He turned to look towards the living room and connected with Marissa's eyes. She was looking back intently, her worry obvious. A loud clatter made him come back to reality.

Dawn was swearing loudly and attempting to close her bag.

"Mom, what the hell are you doing?"

"I told you, Ry. No one is paying for my baby's funeral. I'm going home and I'm going to get back together with A.J."

"No way in hell am I letting you do that."

"Look, I know you are always trying to do the right thing, but get out of my way."

"No," Ryan replied, squaring his jaw.

"Don't make me…" Dawn threatened, coming closer.

"You really want to do that, in front of a lawyer and four other people?" Ryan had been slapped around by a lot of people in his life, but his mother had almost always been empty threats. Almost.

"Move. Away. From. The. Door."

"I will stand here all night if I have to, okay? The last thing Trey would want is for you to go back to that bastard. You know the scars I showed you? Trey's were five times as bad as mine."

Dawn was too upset to put up much of a fight.

"Fine, Ryan. You win. I'll stay here tonight."

"You promise?" Ryan asked, knowing that a promise from his mother was worth as much as a promise from the devil.

"On Trey."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan smiled at the sight of Dawn trying to use chopsticks.

Gently, he wrapped his mother's fingers around the sticks, showing her how to hold them.

Marissa looked on, also smiling at the sight of Ryan and Dawn getting along.

The past hour or so had been tense. At Ryan's insistence, Dawn had been moved into the guest room, so that there was no way she could leave without any one knowing.

Sandy, too, looked on appreciatively at the mother and son. They looked like they belonged together. Both had blonde hair and blue eyes, although Dawn's eyes were dimmed from alcohol. Ryan had the raw look, while Dawn put too much effort into her appearance.

A soft ring interrupted his thoughts.

A loud knock followed, as if the person was unsure as to whether or not the doorbell could be heard.

"I'll get it," Marissa offered, jumping out of her seat.

A bear of a man stood on the other side of the door. He wore big boots and smelled of tobacco and alcohol.

"Can I help you?" Marissa asked politely.

"Yeah…I'm uh…" the man stopped, noticing her for the first time. A greedy grin broke out on his face.

"Well aren't you a pretty little thing." His eyes roved up and down her body, appraising her. "Look at that pretty hair." He reached out his hand and moved it towards her hair. Startled, she stepped backwards.

"Nervous? Don't worry, A.J. won't hurt you. Unless you like it painful," the man said, sniggering at his joke.

A.J. As in…A.J. from Chino. As in A.J. who beat Ryan up. As in A.J. who caused Ryan to have nightmares.

All of a sudden, Marissa was very scared.

"Marissa, who's there? Is it a Newpsie for my mom? They just don't get that she is physically not here," Seth called, as he and Summer walked into the foyer.

"Sweet Moses and Jesus. Definitely not a Newpsie," Seth said, before Summer hit him.

"Coop, who is this?" Summer said out of the side of her mouth.

"What is this, a party?" A.J. asked as heassessed Summer. His gaze fell on Seth and he snorted.

"Why are you with this dweeb? What you need is a real man. I'm a real man," he said, giving Summer a suggestive look.

"Eww!" Summer exclaimed.

"Go get Ryan," Seth whispered to Summer.

Summer hurried into the kitchen and returned moments later with Ryan. Ryan first saw the boots and stopped cold. He knew those boots. He hated those boots.

Looking up slowly, he took in the ripped jeans, the dirty wife beater, the stringy hair, and, finally, the mottled face. A.J. Instantly, Ryan's whole demeanor changed and he reverted back to the bad boy from Chino.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"This your place now?" A.J. asked in amazement. "Damn, you got off easy, didn't you little bastard?"

Ryan strode over to where Marissa was standing and grabbed her hand. His other hand was clenched in a fist.

"How the hell did you get this address?"

"She your girl?" A.J. asked mockingly. "Didn't know you were man enough to score a chick like that. Never could understand what all those girls found so damn great about you. I mean, it's clear why they all liked me, but you?"

"Right, because every girl wants to wear your wife beater," Seth said under his breath.

"What did you say?"

"I said…every girl wants to tear your wife beater."

"Seth, Summer, just go. Marissa, you should go too," Ryan wasn't sure what was going to happen, but he knew he did not want his best friends to witness it.

"I've got your back from in the kitchen, buddy."

Marissa squeezed Ryan's hand before following Seth and Summer.

"Got yourself some nice friends there. Wait till I tell your group that you hang with nerds now."

"Go screw yourself, A.J."

"Don't need to, now that your mom and I are back together."

The gears clicked as he realized why A.J. was here. Dawn had broken the promise.

"She called you, didn't she?" Ryan inquired, already knowing the answer.

"Damn straight. I always knew it was a matter of time," A.J. declared, grabbing a hold of his belt importantly.

"She's not going home with you. Not tonight and not ever," stated Ryan.

"Dawn can decide for herself what she wants to do. And she said she wants me to hook her up. Wants to start dealing. Meth, real hard core stuff. It's all the rage now."

"She. Is Not. Going. With You." Ryan repeated.

"Like I said, it's not up to you. So now either go get your mom or I will."

"Mom!" Ryan yelled into the dining room, knowing that if he left A.J. alone for a second he would steal everything in sight.

"Ry, what is it honey?" Dawn asked carefully. Upon seeing A.J., she stopped walking.

"I thought I told you to come later!" she hissed, keeping a close eye on her son.

"And I told you that the guys and me were going out later. You wanna make this work, then you have to follow my rules." A.J.'s eyes lingered on Dawn's low cut shirt.

"I can't believe you, Mom," Ryan stated in disbelief. "How could you do this?"

"You wouldn't understand. I'm doing what I have to do! And this is what I have to do," Dawn said.

"But you don't have to do this! You could pay the Cohen's back later. Please, don't do this," Ryan pleaded.

"Oh, boo hoo. You always were a sissy. Dawn, get in the car."

Dawn stared back and forth between her son and her ticket out.

"Don't tell her what to do," Ryan said as he bored into his mother's eyes.

"Ry…" she began.

He stepped in between A.J. and his mom, seeing that she was about to break.

"You are not leaving."

Everything happened in a blur. A.J. cuffed Ryan on the back of his head and punched him in the middle of his back. Ryan fell down hard on the tile floor and there was a sickening crunch as his head connected with it. Dawn stared in horror down at her son.

"Come on, Dawn. Get your stuff or I am leaving."

Ryan scrambled up, his head throbbing, and socked A.J. in the stomach. In response, A.J. quickly punched him in the face. Dawn shrieked as Ryan stumbled backwards and A.J. punched him in the stomach.

"Ryan, what the hell is going on?" Sandy said, concern filling his voice as he rushed into the foyer.

"Oh my god," Marissa said, who had followed Sandy. She rushed over to Ryan, who was on all fours, trying to catch his breath. A large bruise was already forming over his eye and there was a large bump on his forehead from the fall.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?" Sandy asked, his eyes livid and his tone threatening.

"It's…A.J.," Ryan wheezed.

"Maybe Ryan's right, A.J…." Dawn began, looking back and forth between them.

"I did not drive all the way down here just to turn around. You are coming with me!" A.J. grabbed her arm and started to pull her towards the door.

"Get your hand off of her!" Sandy roared. "This is my house and if you do not let go of her, I will have you arrested."

A.J. turned towards Sandy and released Dawn's arm. Marissa saw the man clench his hands into fists.

"What are you, like a cop?" he said, taking a menacing step.

"No, but I am a lawyer. I will put your ass in jail for ten to twenty years in an instant if you do not get the hell out of my house."

"All right, okay. Don't get your fancy clothes in a bunch." A.J. looked over at Dawn and waved a dismissing hand. "You're not worth the trouble. You've got a hot bod, but it ain't worth jail time. Sorry, sugar." Just as he was about to leave, he looked at Ryan, who was still clutching his stomach in pain. "You ever come home and you will be lucky if all you get is a black eye."

The door closed and the click echoed around the four of them. Marissa helped Ryan stand up. Together, she and Sandy half carried Ryan into the living room and sat him down on the couch.

"Seth, get the ice pack," Sandy called into the kitchen.

Ryan closed his eyes and gritted his teeth to ward off the nausea sweeping over him. His head was killing him; it felt like it would explode at any moment. More than anything though, was the betrayal. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to be sold out by his own mother.

Right now, all he wanted to do was tell his mother to get the hell away from him. Unfortunately, he knew he couldn't do that. In the morning, they would have to go to Chino and make the arrangements for Trey's funeral.

Marissa grasped his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I shouldn't have left you there," she said softly.

"Why? What were you going to do, hold him down for me?" Ryan joked half-heartedly. He hung his head as another wave of nausea hit.

Dawn came down the stairs and stood warily in front of Ryan. Looking up through heavy lidded eyes, he glared at her.

"Ry, I'm so sorry…" she started, but Ryan cut her off.

"Save it, Mom. I've heard it all before. If you really cared, you wouldn't have called him here in the first place. You promised you would stay here!"

"Babe, I was going to. I _am_ going to now."

"Now. Always seeing in hindsight…"

"I didn't know he was going to…I wasn't expecting him to be…" Dawn was at a loss for words.

"Did you think he had changed? God, it's A.J. we're talking about. A.J.! Guys like A.J. don't change!" Ryan was clenching and unclenching his fists unconsciously.

"What do you need an icepack for?" Seth inquired as he stepped into the room. "Wow," he said upon seeing Ryan. "You sure an icepack is gonna do the trick, Dad?" Summer hit him squarely in the chest. "Why do you keep hitting me, woman?"

"Why you keep saying stupid things?"

Ryan chuckled at his friends, but was cut short as the world began to spin.

"Ryan, you okay?" he heard Marissa ask worriedly.

"I'm fine," he heard himself say. Even he could tell he was lying.

"Why don't you lie down, kid," Sandy suggested.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Dawn asked like a small child.

"I think he just needs some rest. And a couple of Tylenol," Sandy replied.

"Maybe I should stay with him?"

"The best thing you can do is go upstairs and get some rest as well. We'll see you in the morning." Sandy knew he sounded condescending, but it was the only way he could get Dawn to listen to him.

"Do you think you can make it out to the pool house, Ryan?" Sandy asked once Dawn had disappeared up the stairs.

Ryan mumbled an answer. Seth went over and took Ryan's arm and Sandy took the other.

"You sure you don't work out, buddy? 'Cause your arms feel like they weight a ton," Seth said.

"Wimp," Ryan muttered with a smile on his face.

Marissa trailed behind. "Sandy, do you think I can stay here tonight?"

Sandy thought for a moment. Nothing would happen, he decided, considering the condition Ryan was in.

"I don't think it would matter what I said," Sandy said with a sly grin.

Once Ryan was lying in bed, Sandy and Seth left. Careful not to disturb him, Marissa lied down on the bed and tucked herself under his arm.

"You don't have to stay here, you know," he said, in true Ryan Atwood form.

"Yes, I do," she replied.


End file.
